I wish this day had come sooner,But the more I wanted this day to come the slower it came.But soon enough it came.My wedding day the whole day was planed out the bridesmaid was beautiful and the groomsmen were a handsome bunch,but my husband was my new world.
He was every thing I wanted nothing and no one else just Jack.My mother was so happy for me and couldn't wait for us to be married.
But not all brides have a happy wedding day there has to be a problem or there would be no story my name is Amanda Autopia and all I remember is that I walked down a long twisting staircase then I tripped and yes I died.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Great Idea. The storys super short though, which isn't always bad,
but in this case I'm left wanting to know more.
I think maybe you should add detail,
like what did it feel like walking down the stair case
how did she fall. Did she trip on her train?
How long where her and the groom together before the wedding?
As the reader these are things I wonder about,
always keep the reader in mind, give them enough that they are content,
but not to much so they come back for more.
The error in how you write with no space after the period.like this,
is really gonna destract form your work, remember that and I think you'll d fine.
wow! kind of weird, but in a good way. I was kind of bland, I still liked it though. The only thing i would say to work on, is add more detail, other than that it's an awesome poem! good job! can't wait to read more!
"I wish this day had come sooner,But the more I wanted this day to come the slower it came." - Space between the comma and "but" and no capital letter. As Little-Lucy said, spaces after full-stops.
"But the more I wanted this day to come the slower it came.But soon enough it came." - Repeating "but" sounds awkward.
"My wedding day the whole day was planed out the bridesmaid was beautiful and the groomsmen were a handsome bunch,but my husband was my new world. " - "planned" not "planed". the first part sounds a bit odd, "day" is repeated. Again, space after commas.
"He was every thing I wanted nothing and no one else just Jack." - semi-colon or comma after "wanted".
" But not all brides have a happy wedding day there has to be a problem or there would be no story my name is Amanda Autopia and all I remember is that I walked down a long twisting staircase then I tripped and yes I died." - Firstly his sentence is too long, break it up. Put a full stop after "wedding day". Put another after "story". Put a comma before and after "yes".
This was a bit bland and a bit strange. It was very blunt and had no vivid descriptions, just plain ones. I didn't really enjoy it but if it was expanded it could be much beter.
this was really short, so i couldnt pick much wrong things with it...
EXCEPT!!
you wrote like this:
i have a cat.his...
no spaces after the full stop. it makes the story harder to read, so i suggest changing it
I have to admit that this a really great beggining to a "story" but not a Narritive poem. You might want to consider moving this to the correct forum as not to confuse other readers.
Best of Luck
-Rieda